pothos

New Year's Eve.

It was never a day that stood out to me, because it seemed like a clubbing-type of holiday.

31st December 2022.

It was one of my best New Year's Eve ever; chill drinks, chats, games and laughter.

It was lovely, and I thoroughly enjoyed the night \o/

---

New Year's Day; a new year has begun.

Another chance at life for some, another year closer to death for others.

Another timestamp for people to make new resolutions they swear to keep to (or not),

another year of experiences and plans to dread or look forward to.

I for one, fixed the toilet's flushing all on my own!

(albeit with the help of random internet video people, ty hehe)

Made it my first new experience for the new year upon awakening \o/

1st January 2023.

New year's lunch began with questions,

Sitting at the head of the table.

Staring at the white grains of rice on my white porcelain plate, plain and empty.

With only a fork by me, my body began the motion of eating.

White rice tasted strangely flavourful; I guess my mind hyper-focused on the flavours I was tasting instead of whatever was brewing before me.

proceeded with harsh words,

none were mine.

I stared, I listened, I chewed, I swallowed.

My eyes saw, my ears listened and my brain processed - it seemed like I was the only one who wasn't emotionally charged.

I think, maybe, my brain and/or heart were thinking many things and feeling many things, but they've acclimatised to this set of conditions and adapted.

I felt nothing at that point of time.

In that moment.

I felt nothing to the point that I felt inhumane.

Pretty contradictory, haha.

I tried to do my job as the family clown, to lighten the mood and avoid the inevitable.

Well.

and ended with tears.

Many words, decisions, impressions, emotions were exchanged.

What's done has been done, all I could do was firefight.

So that was what I did. Or tried to.

Doubt it did anything.

Safe Space

I don't recall what time I returned to my room.

I was tired, still felt mostly nothing.

Not sure if I would use "exhausted" this time, but I was tired.

I just sat at my desk and stared,

clicked, stared, clicked, listened to a song on replay.

I attempted some backend work.

My eyes welled up occasionally,

even though I was thinking of no particular incident or exchange.

I didn't let those tears fall; I will not.

Looking at my plants gave me some peace. I saw ugly spots and death, but also new growth and persistence.

Left: Marble Queen Pothos, Right: Philodendron Brasil

Green from nature is also good for resting your eyes \o/

I'm not sure how much time went by.

Bright sunlight spilling through my windows turned to darkness. I'm staring at the stark whiteness of the screen as I try to understand my thoughts and pen them down.

It is how I offload, accept, and continue on.

I'm not sure if I could partake in foods or liquids, but I shall.

Because it is the sensible thing to do, and I will not be a weak dumbass that ruins herself.

I have VCT Masters Tokyo to look forward to! Let's work hard for that. \^^/